Weekend Jokes
Filed under Jokes
Peter Kay’s Universal Truths:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) You’re never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.
4) Everyone who grew up in the 80′s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
5) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.
6) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
7) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
8.) Nobody ever dares to make a cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
11) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
12) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
13) The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
14) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
15) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
16) Every bloke at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
17) Old women with mobiles look wrong.
18) It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.
19) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited .
20) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
21) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
22) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
23) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
24) People who don’t drive slam car doors.
25) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
26) Bricks are horrible to carry.
27) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Some great questions, brought you by Peter Kay:
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say ‘My name is Peter and I am a alcoholic’?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8.) Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a ‘use by’ date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say ‘ I think I’ll squeeze those dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
12) What do people in China call their good plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) Why is the person that handles your money called a ‘broker’?
15) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billon stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
17) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Have a nice weekend!
Tags: funny, Jokes, Peter Kay, Peter Kay jokes
Weekend Laughter
Filed under Jokes
Men & Women
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.’
Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’
The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’ She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’
The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’
Peter Kay Jokes…
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it I said “Thyroid Problem?”
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised the the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the look out for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kind of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’ and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
9) Sex is like bridge: if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
11) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
12) You know that look that women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
13) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.
14) I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
15) Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Happy Weekend!
Tags: funny, Jokes, Peter Kay, Peter Kay jokes
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